This and That

So, after living essentially on my own about an hour from home, I think I can safely say I’m a bit happier.

Only a bit because I can’t help but feel one of my roommates, who is one of my best friends, is avoiding me. Whether I’m no longer funny or exciting, I don’t know.

He was gone for a certain amount of time due to his own reasons and I simply got used to returning to nothing, except for maybe the occasional chatter with my landlord.  He said I’d be seeing more of him; what a liar.

I can’t really say that I care, but it does get kinda lonely around here. When it comes to making friends, I’m no good. I don’t know how to say, “So, would you like to hang out some time?” I worry that if I say that to a boy, I’ll open up a whole can of worms that I have no interest in opening.  And because of the way I carry myself most of the time, I’m worried a girl will think I’m trying to hit her up.

But at some point, I need to learn how to interact socially amongst my peers.  Ugh, how droll.  I can befriend almost anyone, that I am sure of (I think very highly of my personality and charm, obviously).  I tend to have a frosty exterior when not smiling and apparently very hard to approach. My wiles are working against me it seems.

I need to open up my own blockbuster account or Hasting’s, since that is what they have over here.  Fill my time up with movies I’ve never seen.

Speaking of movies, I recently saw Pandorum and Surrogates.  Two sci-fis I have been waiting for quite a while.  However, their welcoming reviews were nowhere close to warm.  After being told by a good friend that I should not even waste my time (let alone money) on the film, I couldn’t help be even more intrigued.  Waiting until Thursday since admission was half-off (sweet!), I sat alone and waited to see the proverbial trainwreck.  I waited and waited. The train sped up, but it had yet to collide into nothingness.  That is until the twist.  My friend had almost ruined the ending for me, kept saying something about a cop at the beginning.  I was kind of off-kiltered at the revealing, but also it was not wholeheartedly unexpected.

Here is the sequence of the movie: Murder, Find Murderer, Discover murderer, Stumble upon top-secret info, Discover two-face, End up getting involved in something bigger, Discover mastermind to bigger picture, His sole reasoning revealed (which was something in a way heartfelt, but ruthlessly mad nevertheless), A tough choice, and finally reunion with love.  All of that within a matter of, quite literally, an hour and twenty minutes.  Other than the pace of them film and twist revealing, the only other complaint I have is the CGI.  It could have been better.

I love Bruce Willis, he fit the part of Agent Greer.  As well as Ving Rhames as the hippie Prophet (one of my personal favorites), and, oh yes, James Cromwell as the Scientist that created the abomination (to Dreads, in the film) known as Surrogates.

Overall, the film wasn’t a huge success as a sci-fi, but it still held true to its own, as contradicting as it sounds. I didn’t find it terrible or confusing, it just lacked substance towards the end.  And when it comes to sci-fi, you need a little more thought provoking revelation than the one it provided.

As for Pandorum, I was more than pleased with the outcome. I’m going to make it short, because I enjoyed it so much. The few problems I saw with the film: at the beginning, it had a rocky start dialogue-wise.  When the chatter was light-hearted, the words seemed forced and awkward.  But that quickly passed as the tension grew.  The suspense is great, hands down. I was whimpering and wondered vaguely why I decided to watch it by myself.  There’s nothing worse than finding youself alone in the dark in an otherwise foreign territory with a man-eating enemy.  Delicious.

I expected some type of action and was bombarded with fast-paced hand-to-hand combat (well-versed choreography), intense chase scenes, and good use of gore.  You know… after the first bit of conflict, it takes on a Fall Out sort of feel.  Anyway, I think the last major problem I had with it was the twist reveal.  I think I understood how the main character came to his conclusions, but it was still a little bit unclear… The revealing went by too fast and there was very little explanation.  Ah yes, the CGI is a little poorly done at the end.  it should be, since most of the money was spent towards the make-up, wonderful, wonderful make-up.

It was interesting to see Dennis Quaid in a Sci-fi and he did very well.  I think this was Ben Foster’s first real (real as in he is the main character) role.  Last time I saw him in a movie, he sprouted wings.  Cam Gigandet and Antje Traue were wonderful supporting actors and kick ass during the action scenes.

Overall, kickass movie.

Ya.

Not to sound emo

But, I miss you – very much.

Caffeine cause Conundrums

I hate that the one friend I made from college (community colege, but college no less) moved away to go to New York with her new husband.  She’s a great girl and I can happily say that I consider her a good friend.  She’s happy where she is and I’m happy for her.

We had a nice long chat and both learned a few things about ourselves and life in general.  The whole conversation picked me up from my otherwise bland, nauseous, heartwrenching day.  Note: Never take caffeine pills on an empty stomach followed by bad ham.  Note #2: Never take caffeine pills again.  Seriously, I wanted to throw up.  The caffeine caused a a mild anxiety attack and I couldn’t stop shaking.  To think David od’d on this stuff.

For this next year, I’m going to focus on me and me alone.  I’m going to take interesting classes that I want to take, two of which will be Japanese and a writing class.  I really can’t wait to begin.  I can’t wait to be sort of on my own.  It just took me two years to really start my college career.  This time away should also help me work on my social skills and to hopefully get a better handle on my emotions.  God knows I need it.

I will figure things out and somehow be content.

Annzi out.

I am

I am human.

I feel pain, pain that does not dissipate-
No matter how many tears I put to waste.

I am lonely.

I am filled to the brink with a void-
A small smile will make me overjoyed.

I am hate.

I am what I am, I do what I can-
But, it’s never enough, I’m not enough.

I am useless.

I am run by emotions that can kill-
If I’m not careful, one day it will.

I am myself.
I am human.

To Be Happy

I was thinking about falling in love: How difficult it is to let myself yourself.

The Love-Sick Puppy:
I have seen the Love-sick Puppies; at how they swoon, cling, and jump the gun.  They feel they are in love, because they found someone to be with, despite the time frame of their relationship.  Unfortunately, their relationships are many and these love-sick puppies fall the hardest.  Then a nice looking bone comes traipsing into their lives and they start anew again.  This category would be the radicals.  They’re motto is: If they keep finding themselves in love, then one of the relationships is bound to work.

The Hopeless Romantic:
In some circumstances, the Hopeless Romantic is very much like the Love-sick puppy, but they DO find themselves head over heels in love.  Why?  Because they have determined the compatibility with their partner and/or find themselves in a situation that could break their union and they would come out of the experience feeling more in tune with each other and thus a stronger relationship develops.  Whoever is the hopeless romantic in the relationship (perhaps both), will praise the Lord, the heavens, the stars every day that they have finally met their soul mate and worship their partner until the day they die.  That is, of course, the fates were wrong and their partner crushes their heart with the base of their heel.  They fall under the moderate category, more stable.  Their motto: If the Fates have decided her/him to be mine, I will bloom; if They have decided I am to be alone, I shall wither away and die.

The Ever So Cautious Clancy:
Everything is meditated.  Every action, gesture, word, kiss.  They work their way meticulously towards love.  If it’s not going according to plan by the end of the first date, you can guarantee you won’t be called for date number two.  It’s like playing with die, if they’re aiming for seven but you keep coming up Snake Eyes, you’re just another disappointment and bad luck for them.  One day, Cautious Clancy will meet his counterpart Wild Wilma with a little help of compromise, but only if Clancy chooses to live a little.  Otherwise, his native choice would be Careful Carla.
This would be the extremely careful radicals; high standards are to be expected in this relationship.  Their motto: If she/he cannot keep up with me on all counts, then why should I bother wasting my time?

I would say that the category- or categories rather – that I fall under would have to be the Hopeless Romantic and Careful Carla.  I don’t date.  I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.  I get over the relationships rather quickly and that might be a little bit of the Love-sick puppy playing its part.  But, like my namesake, I analyze everything.  I think too much about where the relationship is going or will go than actually enjoy the relationship.  I calculate the potential value, but I also want my ‘love story’ which requires risk.  In other words, I make it all so much more difficult for a relationship to grow.  I mean, the most successful one was due to the fact that we were such good friends.  It failed, because I was basing decisions around him and his future, not mine – that and I was no longer attracted to him.

EDIT:  I lied.  Previous relationship I mentioned was not the best one.  The one that lasted for a month was the best.  Just not the right time.

I just hope that one day,  I won’t think; at least not when I shouldn’t.  Enjoy the now, without a heavy heart and be Happy.  That is all I wish for.  Always have and always will.

-Annzi out.

Let’s talk

I went to a concert last Thursday at the lovely Granada Theatre.  Well, first I had the awesomely greasy thick french fries drenched in melted cheddar goodness decorated with curled crimson pieces of bacon that I stabbed with my fork and dunked the dangling fried mass in the little creamy tub of  ranch.  A splatter of fat on a huge white plate gives me such tantalizing shivers.  In fact, I can already feel my mouth water.

…
Anyway,  my friend Tommy and I walked in to the theatre and almost immediately my senses were violated – yes, violated- by perverse visions of backup singers/dancers dressed as white tigers jogging and clapping in place.  The singer wore large grandma glasses or at least the kind that were from the 80’s that were unflattering… and still are.  Her blond hair poofed about three inches in the front that flowed into soft curls at the bottom.  She traipsed about in what looked like gold and black latex soldier suit and adidas that had ribbons of gold sequins glued on.  Not too mention, this girl was big – and she knew it.  My friend and I had walked in on probably one of the best shows we’ve seen; this was Leslie and the Ly’s.  She interacted with the audience almost immediately.  The range of age was ridiculous: from freshmen in high school dancing and jumping to bald men tapping their feet and chuckling as they swallowed their beer.  I guess, moving on to the point, people were moving in one way or another.

The next band was Stereo Total, a German/French band that Tommy had never seen play in the US.  The female singer had a girly airy voice and the male German permeated excitement and music.  It took the the female singer a while to relax and enjoy herself, but I believe that was only due to the fact that the crowd (which was MUCH smaller after Leslie and the Ly’s) began moving.  She began to let go.

So, I was thoroughly enjoying the show and was bumped a few times by a girl who twirling and dancing.  I thought nothing of it. I’m standing in a pit: movement and bumping is to be expected.  I look around me and watch the various members in the audience dance and salute the band with their raised hands or beers.  There was this group of high schoolers that began to move a bit more vigorously and in a circular motion.  They were forming a small mosh pit of dancing and twirling.  One dude kept bouncing against this one chick with long hair.
One bounce – she was annoyed.
Second bounce- she gave the kid the evil eye.
Third bounce- she turned around, grabbed him by the neck and pushed him into a smaller chick that was standing against the little counter/wall.  She held him in her grip for about ten seconds. I must say that pissed me off.  I walked over and tapped her on the shoulder.
“You know, by doing that you hurt someone else. I mean you are in a mosh pit.”
“What ever, I don’t care!” She waves me off with a violent flick of her wrist and turns back around.
I decide she needs to be told again, so I place my hand on her shoulder to make her turn to face me.
“Well, you should care. You hurt someone. You’re in a mosh pit; expect some fucking movement.”
“Whatever, I’m trying to watch the fucking show!” She grabs my arm with her nails and pushes me back.
The nails were a trigger and I began to shout back.  Tommy had to pull me away after about eight seconds of me dropping f-bombs.

Sigh.  Listen.  You’re in a pit.  No matter what, someone either drunk off of beer, drugs, or music will dance, prop their weight against you and scream wildly.  I have had people physically harm me with the intention of harming me because I was moving around and disrupting their “experience”.  How can you not move?  Sway to the music?  Bounce on the soles of your feet to the beat?  How can you even think to stop my body from moving on its own?

You, sir and or ma’am, are a douche.  One of the worst kind actually.  The other kind of douche when it comes to mosh pit etiquette are the people who physically harm moshers just to harm them.  No other reason.  The douches who knock over a group of people then violently push them and laugh in their face as they struggle to make their way up.

Agitated sigh.  So this is only one lesson in mosh pit etiquette, but an important one.  Realize that the possibility of movement at any concert is to be highly expected and most of it is entirely harmless.  Only physically react when it is intentional or if the person is out of control and has no regard for any person there.

Shazam - You're Glamorous!

Annzi out.

As I sit

I came to work 45 minutes early; at least this time it wasn’t two hours. Last night I hung out with three old friends, two who I’ve known the longest and just recently become good friends. Just riding in the car and listening to them banter, I felt home. Literally, it feels like family coming home for the holidays. I miss this. I miss them.

I want to feel this everyday, but life always interrupts. This feeling of home must mature to something more, more substantial. But, can it really get any better than this?

Whenever I’m going through a hard time, I can depend on them to relieve me of that burden for moments at a time, which is enough for me. In this instance, I don’t want to grow up. When it comes to my friends, I probably never will.

—

Later, after I came home from work excited I didn’t have to stay longer to work in the drive thru, I immediately began to get ready to hang out. It was a long day and I didn’t have a chance to shower and stuff. During this time, I decided to wear one of the sarongs I got from the Irish festival. I figured since it’s St. Patty’s day, we would go out to eat. The stupid dress was difficult but didn’t look half bad.

I was starving when I reached my friends, who were playing rock band. I mentioned my need for food and was told that we were waiting on a few more peeps. I waited an hour and a half. Peeps had arrived and I was ready to go.

“Oh, wait. Nobody is hungry, we are getting drinks instead.”

I’m disappointed, pissed off, disheartened. So I make a quiet journey to Whataburger, which was funny. I had to wait 15 minutes for food that was to go. Ridiculous.

I was depressed the entire time and the only person I could receive any type of comfort from was thousands of miles away.

Sometimes the people closest to you can make you feel so far away. Friendship: a double-edged sword. Weird.

Annzi out.

New.

Okay, I’m starting over.  I took a look at my past blogs and they were bombarded by f-bombs.

That’s an angsty teenager for ya :^) .

I’m starting over.

I’m going to figure out what I am meant to do with my life.

I will whine.

Cry.

Struggle.

Persevere.

And be happy.

I will also try to post more than I used to.

Lucky you. ;^)

Melancholy and I

In my Art History class, Professor Motley brought up Albrecht Dürer’s Melencolia I.   The engraving depicts a self-portrait of Dürer (although our book suggests it is a winged female) surrounded by Man’s most important creations: mathematics, music, tools, even the circle.  Even surrounded by all of these valued creations, Dürer’s pose calmly screams, “Why bother?”.  It basically expresses what an an artist feels occasionally while creating.

I always wondered what I was going through last semester. I just could not find the motivation to create. Anything.

Getting back to what Motley was saying, melancholy was for the geniuses, the artists, the makers.  Not exactly depression due to life’s up and downs or lost love; it was something more.  Sublime, even?  Motley mentioned that Edmund Burke considered melancholy to be a negative pain that it was delightful.  How absurd.  Philosophers.

Then Motley stared at us with his (what I call) emo-face and drawled,

“I feel more than you do. I suffer more than you do.”

For some reason, that clicked.  All those little things that mean the world to me, whether it is holding hands, a ticket stub, or a careless response; it can hurt or excite me so much.  I understood then that I was an artist.  I always have been and always will be.  But, I let this melancholy get me down and never create.  That’s all I wanted to do, to create.

I said I was going to be an Art Professor, but I don’t know if I can stand the amount of time spent in school.  Like, seriously.  Not only am I an artist, but I am also a procrastinator who loves social gatherings.  That is literally one of the things that I am not willing to give up, even after getting a job at the Credit Union. And ever since I started working again, my art production has suffered greatly.  Simply due to my unwavering desire to be with friends.

But, if you want to be great, you have got to take action.  If you want to be something, you have to do something first.  I know this very well, because I keep telling myself this.  This choice I have to make has got to be a choice I can live with for the rest of my life.  I can always change paths along the way, but who wants to waste the time?  My type A personality will not have that.

Hope and pray is all I can do now.  Well, that and stick to what I say.

Annzi out.