A cocktail of horribleness.

I’ve started the Master Cleanse diet, except I bought organic lemonade because I forgot to buy actual lemons.
And I’m just gonna continue using it, because I’m lazy.

One thing: It tastes HORRIBLE. Horrible.

After drinking it, I wobbled around my house, wailed that it tasted disgusting and that I would only do it for one day.  I immediately found some gum and now I feel much better.  I’m only going to do it for like three days anyway because I don’t really need to lose weight, I just like the detox idea.

-sobs-

I still have five more cups to drink.

-annzi

I am extremely depressed and it’s ruining me.  I’m always tired and the last thing I get any joy out of has become a chore.  I used to love taking pictures.  I can’t even be bothered to pick up my camera.  I’m losing my patience with doing my homework; so I just don’t do it.  I’m even losing my cool and blow up at my boyfriend more frequently; more than before, which was a lot.  If I’m not careful, I really will lose him.

I’ve finally graduated to hurting myself regularly.  To control my anger, I have to punish myself.

I mean, I’ve been down like this before, but this is getting ridiculous and old.  I want to change, but I don’t know how.  I’m too impatient for baby steps.  I want to be happy now.  I feel lost, stupid, angry, listless, tired.

I want to find happiness on earth, nowhere else.

Fuck the holidays.

So, I finished the “last” paper for my 4150 class.  However, I’m *pretty* certain that the take home exam is a paper in disguise and if it is, I’m going to shoot someone.  I worked on that paper all through Thanksgiving day.

I hate the holidays.  Honestly.  Positively.  Hate them.

I am home stuck listening to my mother’s constant bickering, sometimes, more often than not, at the receiving end of it.  I have to watch my dad take it.  And of course, witness myself bestow the same behavior onto my father, if I’m feeling bold, my mother.  I also take it out on Brian, who most definitely does not deserve it.  It was just constant anger towards him and myself.  I think our relationship was in danger this past weekend; not to Brian maybe, but definitely to me.  This is getting really tiring, so much that sometimes I just want to say, “fuck it.”  It’s only a little bit longer, only a little bit longer.

I don’t want to be my mother. I wish I could be a bit more like my father and more like my brother.  Not the gay part, just the more social part.  He’s ridiculously good at making friends.  I had to be the semi-smarter child who is socially awkward in her own way.  I mean, I’m struggling to keep my friends that I’ve known since elementary, middle, and high school.  Granted, it happens – It’s supposed to happen.  It’s just that when weed had infiltrated our circle, my importance as a friend significantly dropped.  I don’t want to be another stereotypical college student who smokes pot eating junk food while watching stupid movies.  I wanted more from life than that.  But, I’m finding that the active potsmokers get more from life than most, because they choose to live for themselves and the now.  I wish it was so easy, but I’m a paranoid bugger.

Then I watch them some more and you know what, they’re not really active.  They stay in their homes, get high, drink, play games on the iPad, watch tv or movies.  This is the constant tried and true recipe of their “get-togethers.”  Doing absolutely nothing but creating their own form of relaxation and entertainment that they paid for.  What a waste.

I hope this phase passes by because if they really love the nights they can never remember, but trust that it was “epic,” they know nothing of life.  But, then again, neither do I.

Fuck you, “friends.”  You know nothing.

Fuck long distance. You’re my bitch, bitch.

I’m better than this.

Oh, crap.   Oh, crap.   Oh, crap.   Oh, crap.   Oh, crap.

Crappity crap crap crap.

Seriously. If I could blantantly do that, I would.

Only ten weeks. Only two and a half months have past.

I hate this.  It’s not getting easier, just more difficult, more annoying.
Some people are annoying. I want to punch them in the face, they’re so annoying.

I have three more papers to write and I’ll be done with writing for a few weeks. Ugh, I am not in the mood to write for any of my classes. I keep thinking about what I need to do this upcoming winter break. I need a job – desperately.

Overall, I feel kinda horrible.

Great.

Happy Anniversary and, hopefully, more to come.

Why the hell am I an English Lit major?  One of my crucial papers that I turned in 2 weeks ago – totally sucked with a C+/D-.  Oh, but she says, “It’s not the end of the world if you get below a C, since I don’t grade by numbers – never have, never will. Just know that C is average.”

Oh.  So, then, C would still be… 70 – Which is a passing average? And then that would mean a D… wait a sec, how is my grade a C+/D-?  That doesn’t make sense.  Oh well, I can’t even be bothered to check my failing grade. Ugh. I am so burnt out.  Honestly, I still need to finish reading a book so I can get started on yet another paper.  I don’t think I’m going to Austin next weekend.

Actually, I didn’t go to Austin this past weekend either.  For some reason, it was canceled; probably for the best anyway.  I enjoyed my weekend.  Spent time with my parents and slept there, then hung out with friends for the night.  Dos Charros was (and is) good, Paranormal Activity 2 was meh, and the party hopping was nice, although the second party was the most fun.  I kinda wish we stuck around more, but I had to drive the peeps over to another house so they could make an appearance.  Despite Halloween landing on a Sunday, it was a productive night.  Not to mention, I totally got candy from reverse trick or treating.  Sweet.

Oh, ya.  It’s our one year anniversary. =]
I can’t wait for the next couple of months to pass by me.  Here’s a little song I sing when I’m missing Brian:

Brian, Brian,
I want my Brian.
But Brian’s in China,
So I can do nothing
but miss my Brian.

It doesn’t rhyme, but all that matters is the presentation, which Brian thinks is adorable.  I aim to please~!

My life, sometimes, sucks.

I am at an all time loss.  I keep doing things too late.  Like, if I would like to go somewhere and finally get the courage to look into it, the moment has gone.  The chance lost.  I think I’m just going to have to give up and hope for nothing.  When you hope for nothing, sometimes you’re given a bone.

Last week screwed me up.  My sleep schedule is completely thrown off; my face looks like shit… And I probably messed up my foot again.  I really do not want to have to wear the boot for another three weeks.  This week is just going to add on to the unpleasantness that has been dealt to my body.  Wooh, college!  I am FINALLY experiencing you.  Too bad it’s this college experience everyone goes through and not something that’s once in a lifetime or exceptionally cool. My life, sometimes, sucks.  Otherwise, it’s just boring and the same as everyone else.  Stuck in the gutter and amounts to nothing.

Hmm, I suppose love is once in a lifetime – if you find the right person, of course.

Anyway, have to start another crucial paper tomorrow.  And, I mean, CRUCIAL.  Two papers that make up my grade in this class = annoying.  Then I’m going to Austin three weekends in a row? *sobs* I like to be busy, but this is almost too busy.

GARRRHARGRGHH

-Annzi out.

I think I’m feeling everything coming at me.

I’m pretty screwed for the next couple of weeks.

And yet I hate France.

Man, it has been rough, but not too bad.  I think my real breakdown was just churning out that stupid poetry paper. Now, I have to churn out three more within two week’s time. @_@

I feel unusually calm, which is not good.  I have yet to start on a single paper.  My goal this weekend is to finish my shortest one, but I was also hoping to read.  I guess I’ll read during the day and write at night.

So, I have been non-stop busy since Monday.  I’ve had a headache all day, so I guess my exhaustion has caught up to me.  I kinda appreciate the busy-ness though.  I’m just waiting for the days to turn in to weeks and the weeks to turn into months until Brian comes back.  But I’m finding myself sort of enjoying our time away.  Only a tiny bit.  It still sucks that he’s gone, but at least I’m getting shit done.  Well, kind of.  I’m still a huge procrastinator, but I feel like while in the relationship and apart, I’m growing? Or that could be just what I’m feeling today.  It could turn out to be something completely different in a week’s time.

So, two things: I’m looking for a job and I’m looking into studying abroad this summer.  Both of these options are looking pretty slim. Why? Because I’m looking for a job that will work with my hours, not the other way around. This job also needs to want to hire me. =(
The chances of me getting into a program to study abroad might be really difficult to obtain.  Not to mention the courses may not transfer.  But, if my advisor is cool and she’s like, “Ya, that course is totally the equivalent of this.” and then writes that in blood with a signature and date, then I’m kinda good to go.  I need funds.  I need said job to help pay for that tuition.  Oh, well. Either way, I’ll look into it.  I just want the chance, the opportunity. I suppose I do have a bit of wanderlust in me. I like to explore and a lot of times, I like to do it alone. It’s not always safe, but it satisfies my curiosity.

-Annzi out.

Gallon Challenge among Children.

Hello and goodbye, Week 3.  It was nice knowing thee.

Week 3 passed rather quickly, but I suspect it was due to the impending deadline of my poetry paper.  For the record, it is a horrible paper.  I can only imagine how week 6 will be for me when I have to work on 2 papers simultaneously.  Oh, kill me now.

Despite the anxiety caused by the paper, it was also a productive week socially.  Had a lunch date with Maria and a pretty successful Girl’s night out with the UTD crew.  We ate at Afghan Grill and treated to homemade hummus (delicious), delectable entrees, and sweet dessert.  Pam and I had baklava – so sweet!  Miranda and Alexandra had this custard with pistachio dish.  It was extremely floral that it had to be eaten in small quantities or you’d be in danger of being overwhelmed by the treat.  Off to Cairo, the girls smoked hookah and I joined in the tea time.  I’m glad that I am enjoying tea more now.  I like the idea of drinking tea instead of coffee, which I still cannot develop the taste for and I am okay with that.  Bitch Slap! was undeniably a fail.  Horrible movie – could not even sit through 30 minutes of it.

Saturday, I was a mess.  I had lunch with my parents, this paper was eating me up. I talked with Brian for a bit, which helped me settle me down a little bit.  But, I still felt the strain and I knew only one thing could really help me unwind: shopping.  This store was closing and they were having a huge sale on designer brands – I needed to be there.  I waited in line for four hours just to buy: 3 pairs of jeans, a pair of gray slacks, a navy blue pencil skirt, a pullover, a sweater/cardigan, 2 long-sleeved shirts, a tank top, and a sunny yellow dress.  The most expensive item at retail was the dress at $545.  I only paid $20.  Overall, $90 was spent and $1365 was saved.

A good bargain is hard to beat.

After I calmed down, I was able to approach the paper with a clearer mind.  Sunday, however, was the day of the Gallon Challenge.  Ike, Cal, and I were originally the only ones participating.  We were able to add Rex and Tony to this stupid idea.  I was the first to give up (personally, I think Rex gave up first seeing how he abandoned his milk, but he did vomit last…).  I must say that my vomiting was the most violent.  I was standing, then forcefully brought to my knees.  I was a woman about it, but I did not cry.  A small victory in mine eyes.  Following me shortly was Ike.  He was in higher spirits after spilling the milk.  Cal held off vomiting as long as he could, but eventually the urge claimed him.  Tony – the victor – was on fire.  He waited until the last 45 seconds to chug the rest of his milk, which was easily 8-10 oz.  Time.  Five seconds had passed.  Let the vomiting ensue.

He looked up at me, “I’m a dragooonnn!”  He vomits again and this time, thinks to flail his arms like gangly bits of wings.  The third time he worked a roar into the act.

This is going to be a fun video to edit.

(Whew – It was a good thing that I decided to write an entry. I totally forgot to write a citations page.  I just sent one in so I hope I won’t get any points taken off)